Hey, everyone. So, I was recently judged for my taste in women. It was assumed that I am attracted slutty women. That's not entirely true. What I am attracted to is a woman that is attracted to me. To disprove the naysayers, I am about to share with you all my top ten celebrity crushes. I would lie to preface this list with saying that I came up with this list when I was like 15. While I still agree with the people, I did have to change the order ( Despite popular belief, my tastes have matured over the years.). Oh, and I left porn stars off the list because of their natural advantage. Sorry, Allie Sinn.
#10) Giada De Laurentiis
For those of you who don't watch the Food Network when bored, Giada De Laurentiis is the hottie that does Everyday Italian. I found out about this gem of a show when I had to sleep on the couch in the living room for a week. One day, I awoke to the the beautiful sight of a woman with huge "personalities" making a sandwich. It was glorious. That right there was the American dream. A perky chick making sandwiches and looking nice doing it. Since then, I have watched the Food Network so much more..... But I still don't know how to make grilled cheese....
#9) Kate Moss
I am a firm believer that everything beautiful needs one flaw. Christina Perri has her bottom teeth, Megan Fox has her toe thumbs, and Kate Moss has her mole. I know many of you are Google-ing it up trying to find out what mole I'm talking about, so I'll just tell you. Kate Moss has a mole on her boob, casting the illusion of a third nipple. A part of me isn't sure if this is indeed a flaw, or just the next step in evolving the tri-boobs from Total Recall. Either way, I like it.
#8) Rachel McAdams
I don't care who says otherwise, Rachel McAdams is fucking beautiful. She was the only reason I was ever able to sit through that depressing Terms of Endearment ripoff, The Family Stone. Sure, the mom is dying of cancer and the family is falling apart, but Rachel McAdams is hot enough that I can overlook that. Hell, shes hot enough that I almost downloaded The Time Traveler's Wife. I'm not saying I watch her movies with my pants around my ankles. I'm just saying I wouldn't be too ashamed if I got caught.
#7) Alessandra Ambrosio
I still remember it like it was yesterday. I must have been ten when I discovered the gold at the end of the rainbow of catalogs in the bathroom. I had been going to the bathroom for years and somehow managed to overlook the wonders of Victoria's Secret. It was like a dream come true. It was an entire catalog of women in panties, and since I grew up with two girls in the house, it was perfectly alright for it to be in the bathroom. God bless the USA.... and what ever country Alessandra Ambrosio is from.
#6) Claudia Black
I don't even know what to say about Claudia Black, so I'll just go through my nerdy milf checklist. Sexy as fuck? Check! Cult science fiction star? Check! Hot accent? You fucking bet! Video games? Did two of my favorites! Speaks at ComicCon? We have a winner! Has a thing for average 20 year old nerds that live in Melbourne Florida? If there is a god, then that will be a yes one day....
#5) Milla Jovovich
Milla Jovovich is probably the only Russian woman I would ever confess my love to. She first peaked my interest in The Fifth Element as Leeloo ( Sexy redhead who beats the shit out of people and exposes herself a lot). Now a days, Milla stars in the Resident Evil movies as Alice, the hottie who survives the zombie apocalypse in tube tops, short shorts, and knee high boots. could she be any more perfect?
#4) Brody Dalle
Brody Dalle is a bad bitch. Being the front woman for The Distillers, Brody could be seen as intimidating as fuck. That intimidation, coupled with her general sexiness, gives her a "When I'm done with you, I'm going to crush up your bones and snort them" vibe. Whats weird is that I am more than ok with that vibe. What can I say, I like when a chick is stronger than me...... I should just stop now, before I fend off any chance of ever having a girlfriend.
#3) Shannyn Sossamon
You may remember her as the hot princess from A Knight's Tale, or the hot druggie chick from Wrist Cutters: A Love Story. I remember her as the hot chick whose name shows up far too often in my google images search history. It doesn't matter how we remember her though, because in the end, she will go down as one of the few women in the world to have perfected the art of the toothy smile. For those of you who do not know the power of the toothy smile, allow me to explain. The toothy smile, when perfected, allows a woman to break into the very soul of a man and enthrall the shit out of him. In this state, she can command him to do anything from pay for her meal to kill a family of seven. The toothy smile is just not fair, but I can't get enough of it.
#2) Kate Beckinsale
Kate Beckinsale is a beautiful classy lady. Sure, she's fucking bonkers, but in today's society, that's just considered quirky. I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, Kate Beckinsale is the sole reason for me watching the Underworld movies. They were alright, but it was pretty shitty of the writers to through in that prequel. After about 30 minutes, I had given up any hope of seeing Kate in the leather cat suit and corset, so I shut it off in disgust.
....... I would drink her dirty dirty blood any day. (I'm sorry, I had to say it.)
#1) Ryan Reynolds
It is 2012. I am allowed to have a man-crush without it being gay. Ryan Reynolds lands the #1 spot not because I want to be with him, rather because I want to be him. He is everything I want to be in life. He's charming as fuck, funny a shit, and he's fucking good looking. Sure, he might be a little stupid for breaking up with some of the beauties that he has, but can you honestly say you would even stand the chance that he had with them? That's right, you can't. However, with every great thing comes one fatal flaw...... Ryan Reynolds is Canadian.
There we have it, guys. The list that occupied most of my time at work today is now in front of me. I have to say, I'm not disappointed. I hope all of you guys enjoyed this list and keep coming back for more. If you have any feedback or comments, please feel free to leave them at the bottom. I hope you all have a great night/ day, I need to be getting to some Soul Calibur 5.
Addison out.
Facts I Hate #8: If the zombie apocalypse doesn't happen, then I have wasted so much time pre-planning.
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